Ladies and Gentlemen, in the interests of not being entirely outdone by my compatriot, I present you with an utterly inferior and vastly more useless post than the preceding three.
That said, please don’t underestimate the gravity of this post. I am, Hoonie faithful, humbly trying to protect the souls of our entire Hoonie cult following from Big Brother.
I’ll give that a second to sink in.
I have discovered the way in which Big Brother will one day overtake our world. At work, of course, I expect my internet usage to be monitored and my outgoing email attachments to be scrutinized. The Jocular Man has recently begun filtering certain emails by subject and sending automatic cc’s to the two layers of management above me.
I have a dream, though entirely unrelated to Dr. MLK’s, that our company president receives dozens of cc’s from his underling executives, telling their wives not to wait up. It’s all that keeps me going sometimes.
Anyway, back on topic… I have discovered the way in which the devil shall soon collect our souls. Or Ray Bradbury will burn our books. Or some Board of Shadowy Figures will do Big Important Evil Deeds. Or whatever your favorite conspiracy is.
And I believe that sci-fi Day of Reckoning is coming fast.
How will it happen, you ask? Someone will make a simple offer that will irrevocably make everyone’s life easier. They will offer to replace every single one of my fucking logins with biometrics. A quick thumb-scan and you’ve got access to everything.
They will steal my life, soul, and the Jocular Automaking benefits that my soon-to-be spouse so longingly covets. They will pillage my home and rape my unborn children. And I will thank them profusely for it.
I have twelve logins that relate directly to everyday tasks at my job. Twelve, Bob. I seriously can’t make this shit up. I have four logins and two different packaging utilities that I must use to transfer a single file from our design center to the computer sitting on my desk. And I have to cheat the file through a server transfer. I’m waiting for the day they’ll give me the two suitcases and the hexadecimal nuke passkeys in those little breakable vials. I think that would be simpler, honestly.
I have three different logins for three different types of computer system (my main computer, special computer, and any other computer). I’ve got THREE FUCKING SPAMFILTER UTILITIES at work. They all have different logins and randomly generated passwords that are at least twelve characters long. I have at least two additional logins I can think of offhand for other special programs I use approximately once a month.
I’ve got logins for my bank accounts (two), my mortgages (two), my utilities (two), my retirement plans (two), my credit cards (three), my master’s program (two – one for billing/grades and one for registration), my frequent flier programs (two), my Marriott Points account (my precioussss), and my student loans. I’ve even got two different logins to get my W-2s (try using a fucking login once per year) and my pay stubs! My expense reports and purchase orders require me to RE-enter my login information (same as the pay stubs one, however).
I’ve got logins for an indeterminable number of forums, logins for Facebook, LinkedIn, AIM, Yahoo!, and three other email addresses. I can access my work email in two ways: using my work PC and usual login, or from any other computer using a DIFFERENT LOGIN AND RANDOMLY GENERATED PASSWORD. I’ve even got to log in to post this drivel!
And it would all be okay if I could change all of my logins to the same name and all of my passwords to the same eight-character-with-a-special-character-and-a-number string.
Except many of my passwords have to be rotated. I have to use ten different passwords before I can repeat, and I have to remake the passwords every three months.
But here is the true sign of the apocalypse, my friends.
I shit you not, I have an Excel spreadsheet on my desktop at work called “Passwords”. It is password protected. I pray every night that Ray Bradbury will never hack it.
