(Note: this article is owed to Ichiban’s mama, and a discussion we had last week.)
While this post’s title could be a reminder of the Hoonie-revival (sort of like post-its?), it’s actually not meant that way. What follows are my personal thoughts on the USPS – those fuckin’ guys who sponsor(ed) that cycling fellow.
Let’s get this one out of the way. I hate stamps. I can’t ever remember where they are. I don’t care what Jeremy Goodwin says, they DON’T just materialize. I have to go out of my way to find one of the little fuckers, only to find that once I do, I have to find one of those stupid fucking necklace-looking two-cent stamps to make whatever the most recent damage is. Yeah, I DID have a letter returned in the mail because I only put 39 cents postage on it. You wanna fight about it?
I’m just sure that I’m going to find a book of 37 cent stamps somewhere next week and lose my shit entirely. Then I’ll have to go find TWO of those stupid little stamps.
Anyway, now that <i>that’s</i> out of my system…
I want to make some changes to the USPS we’ve all come to know and love. As evidenced by the stamp price hikes recently, I think there are a few things that need improvement among America’s least-psycho-stable workforce.
The above article states that 80 pct of the USPS’s costs are labor. That seems obvious to me. But clearly they’re having trouble making ends meet if they’ve had to bump up stamps four cents (10.8 pct) in the last 18 months. This calls for reform. Here’s how I’d do it.
I believe that the Postal Service needs to fire/reassign most of their drivers. They should cut all of the local routes and sell off the trucks to would-be ice cream men and dope-slingers. There are two options: make everyone go to the damn post office to pick up their mail, which would be a bit heavy-handed, or we could go with Option Two. Set up neighborhood “hubs”: banks of PO boxes that would hold the mail for all houses within two square miles, or 100 homes, whichever comes first.
Folks would bitch and moan, but they really wouldn’t have to go very far out of their way at all to send and pick up their mail. As a side benefit, I would invest a bit more into these mailbox hubs. Put your envelope on a little table next to the “hub,” and it would be weighed. Push a dollar into the machine (or swipe a pre-paid card), and your postage would be applied to the parcel via a UPC sticker. The machine would take it in just like deposit envelopes at the ATM. It would be collected when the mailperson drops by to put everyone else’s mail in the little boxes.
With the extra manpower (from reducing mail routes), keep the fucking post office open until 9 pm. “Business Hours” are called that because most people work during those times! Of course I’m not home to receive my package! Yes, I’ll just schedule a special fucking trip to the post office at lunch or leave an hour early! But I shouldn’t have to.
Whew. I’m angry.
Okay, I really just want to buy one of those trucks to drive around.
