In the coming months we’re bound to see the full range of politicians travel across this country of ours, picking battleground states like we used to pick kids for kickball in grade school. You’ll have your classic school jocks (see: California, Texas, New York, Florida, Pennsylvania, and Ohio), leaving the team captains salivating for the opportunity to add another heavy-hitter to the line-up. And you’ll also have your more-than-awkward, spectacle-sporting kids that get winded during the walk from the classroom to the playground (see: Montana, Wyoming, the Dakotas, and Delaware). These are the kids that you strategically pick against not having (doing the math in your head that your team is hurt less by choosing the disinterested girl rather than the boy that was only athletic enough to play cards). But unlike the world of youth kickball, the world of politics rewards you for even having the “smelly kid” in your camp. No states are worth ‘zero’, so anything is better than nothing.
I don’t use this intro as a means to demean the value of those states where everyone’s closest neighbor is 3 miles away. But instead it serves as the metaphor for a collection of thoughts running through my mind lately. You see, it has slowly come to my attention that I’m old (in a relative sense). I’m at another transition point in life; stuck somewhere between the care-free days of college consumption (of both alcohol and engineering know-how) and the adult life that so many achieve between their mid-20′s and 30′s. It’s evident in the number of classmates, both high school and college, that are getting engaged or married and moving on to greater jobs in states that are not named Ohio.
So it is now, in this election year of 2008, that I’m proposing my own campaign. It is not Presidential, as I would quickly succumb to the fear of constant public speaking and global decision-making (just ask the other residents of the 2429 about my capacities in choosing a dining option). But rather, my campaign will be one of reclamation; taking my message to the parts of the country that have slowly conspired to steal away parts of my more enjoyable past. Observe the maps below to follow my campaign trail:
The Hoonie-mobile is loaded up and ready for this coast-to-coast excursion. First stop: Massachusetts.
Our friend and frequenter of the couch at the 2429 and 2316, Mike Aviagnos, moved back closer to Boston last summer for different job opportunities. I miss his fervent fandom of The Transformers and his ability to fire up the best of the rest of us with some mundane late-night discussion after we had all consumed far too many drinks to make discernible debate.
Mike – Secretary of Defense (based on his previous military experience)
We continue our East coast swing following the Atlantic down to the Jersey shores.
Brother Scott got the amazing opportunity to work as a computer engineer for Comcast last summer. Problem is, it was all the way out in New Jersey (just outside of Philadelphia). It was a nice perk for Eric and I to make a visit and see him. Sources close to the younger Neuenschwander indicate a strong likelihood that he ends up back in Jersey to start his post-college career (although, being a Boras client – negotiations may continue until the 11th hour for the proper signing bonus). I feel I’m going to miss the days when he’s not close enough to go to breakfast at Bob Evans with me and order the “Ultimate Crep-ee Combo” without cracking a smile.
Scott – Secretary of Homeland Security (closer to the port cities now…and any terrorists will think twice after watching him guard the nation)
The next stump-stop takes us to The District, itself; Washington D.C.
Here we find our one fellow Bearcats who actually has a career in this world of Politics: Mr. Matt Perin. I came to meet Matt through Jeremiah at the old house and we soon found a common bond between our soccer stylings and the music of the Dave Matthews Band. We still manage to cross paths from time-to-time; when he’s not busy influencing the current public policy in the House of Representatives alongside Jean Schmidt. Anyway, here’s to hoping the warmer weather finds our paths crossing in the crowd at Riverbend or taking in a ballgame (in Cincinnati or Washington).
Matt – The Candidate / Anything he wants (He’s the expert in this field. I’d probably be some low staff guy for any campaign he decided to run. But if we somehow thought the drawing power of Newey had some pull with the populace, I’d want no one other than Mr. Perin to be my Chief of Staff.)
Blacksburg, Virginia is only a short trip away from our nation’s capital. And there we find Mike Woodworth, slowly becoming a Master civil engineer. We miss him greatly from our weekly think-tank at The Pub and the excitement he provided both Ro and I in the numerous Calculus and Physics classes we had with him. Mike was also one of our regular disc-tossers on the Nippert green.
Mike – Secretary of Energy (I’m sure he has plenty of ideas for each area we could ask. Also, I would have him double as my speech-writer. Ask Ro or I about his modern recollection of The Battle of Lexington and Concord sometime.)
We make a quick swing through the Buckeye state, but fail to spend much time there. After all, being my home state, I should be able to carry this one with no difficulties. Ohio campaign members include:
Brice – Secretary of the Treasury (well, let’s list his attributes: already works for a bank, has successfully paid back all college loans already, and also has a certain religious background that’s as good a genetic indicator for taking care of the bills, as any.)
Kevin – Secretary of Education (current employee of the local high school – keeps the computers in-line, as well as sharing his stories of “community service” to the nation’s youth.)
Brian Cass – Attorney General (background within the paralegal field, still with an eye on the possibilities of law school – he can represent me any day.)
From the Buckeye State we head to “the state up north”, as some like to call it.
Michigan….the most recent of perpetrators against my core of friends remaining close-by. And this time it was a twin-killing, taking both Cass and Carolyn. While we celebrate Jason’s quick rise up the ladder within his corporation, it’s still bittersweet that with his promotion also comes relocation. And so C-lyn, the future Mrs. (congratulations you two), also makes this journey away from the Queen City and to Ann Arbor. Fortunately, we still have some time with them around…but I don’t think this one has completely sunk in with me yet. There’s more that I’ll miss from these two that I can even put down at the moment. But suffice it to say that my weekend pilgrimages to the ‘Nati won’t quite be the same anytime soon.
Jason & Carolyn – Secretaries of Labor (With a full workforce already under him and a larger one awaiting his Michigan arrival, who else would I turn to other than Cass as being the manager for the country? And with her recent HR experience, I wouldn’t want anyone else but Carolyn to select the best potential candidates out of the field of applicants.)
The next trek keeps us in Big Ten country as we invade the Hoosier State to check in on another of our dynamic duos. Roman and Allison bought a house in Evansville after he relocated for work pursuits with the Jocular Automaking Pecuniary Sanctuary. During our stay in the 2429 (after Alli had join the ranks), those two were always the first to rise on Saturday mornings. I usually wasn’t too far behind, but the three of us would spend plenty of time together waiting for the rest of the sleeping giants to rouse themselves at some point prior to dinner.
As a reward for all the hard work spent on this cross-country campaign, Brice and I will join these two on a trip out to Maui in a few weeks to help them celebrate the inevitable conclusion from what started over 5 years ago (congratulations to you two, as well).
Roman – Chairman of the Fed (not exactly an official cabinet position, I know, but he’s your man when it comes to the world of Economics and Finance – Part 1 and Part 2)
Allison – Director of Digital Media (Alright, so I made one up: even the “best” do. But Alli is always up-to-date on the latest hilarity on YouTube and College Humor. And as a side project, I’m excited to see what she can do to implement the Hoonie-Decimal system into the Library of Congress.)
Our southern stretch takes us down to the land of Kentucky for the quick recruitment of Tom “Bosley” Angle, to Mississippi to rescue Ethan from the Southern Hospitality, and to scout the Alabama scene for a potential future mission to reclaim one Mr. Matt Burkett (in case his latest job hunt sends him there).
Tom – Ambassador to the United Kingdom (British accent, anyone?)
Ethan – Director of the National Weather Service (Our meteorology maestro.)
Burkett – Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (right up his alley with his current 9-to-5; he can also always double as the Tim Reynolds to my Dave Matthews for some open-mic entertainment.)
Our final US stop takes us to sunny Malibu to check in on the waves of the Pacific Ocean and of Pepperdine University. There resides the current Director of Basketball Operations, and former 2429 L-Shaper, Mr. Evan P. Simovich. I sometimes think back to the simpler days of riding in the trunk of Jepe on the way to B-Dub’s or belting out Rocky Top at the top of my lungs. We still manage to exchange birthday wishes, but it makes it more and more difficult each year to span the 2202 miles from his home to ours.
Evan – Director of Health & Human Services (implementing his diet and workout regimens to the nation’s youth, with hopes that one day all guys will no longer have to wear shirts at college)
To fill the role of international advisor, I actually have to leave the country; flying south to Paraguay to convince the final old roommate that the cause at hand might actually be more important than the lives he’s currently changing with the Peace Corps (greedy, aren’t I?). Still the best addition to our late-night sing-alongs in Clifton, I probably miss Jeremiah’s entertaining storytelling the most.
Jeremiah – Secretary of State (this silver-tongued statesman handled all rent negotiations; and I’ll be sure to trust him to enforce strict Hoonie-approved philosophy across the remaining nations of the world)
Not that this post hasn’t dragged on long enough already, but anyone still reading that happened to watch a single episode of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? will surely recognize the final red map area to be that of Nihon (Japan, to those round-eyed readers). This destination, perhaps, is the one that distresses me most. Later on this summer, the better half (or more correctly, two-thirds) of this site called Hoonies, enters an entirely different time zone (and not just Central Standard Time). Roman and Allison will be learning the ways of the Far East with a move to the Land of the Rising Sun; staying anywhere from twelve to eighteen months. At least now we’ll finally have the answer to who that mysterious site-viewer from time region ‘U’ is.
I suppose what the previous 1900 words have yet to state directly is this:
If any of you fine individuals find yourselves with the opportunity to return to Ohio, I’d appreciate it. There’s room for all of you on this trail.
