Ever Notice?

These stickers are taking over our society. They are an ingenious idea – prey on the modern American family to show their familial pride! No idea what these cost, but damn, they must be profitable.

There is a definite trend to the stickers you see above. I have only ever seen them on large SUVs and minivans. It may be worth noting that I have never seen a single person or a couple on the back window. I have, unfortunately, seen a couple with a dog. If Alli & I ever do such a thing with our puppies, please tell us how ridiculous we look.  Friends don’t let friends look like jackasses.

Just a little observation to get rolling.

Breaking the Inertia – Young Roman vs. Old Man Roman

During my horribly painful run Sunday, I pondered what my 15-year-old cross-country-running self (hereafter, Young Roman) would have thought. Back in those days, I could literally run a mile without breaking a sweat. It was easily the best shape of my life. Been there, done that, still got the T-shirt (one of Alli & Newey’s favorites – though I’m not sure what you call it without the sleeves – an I-shirt?). Could run a 5k in somewhere around 24-25 minutes, depending on the terrain. I’m quite sure I would have scoffed at 25-year-old Roman’s struggle to bring 7.4k home in almost exactly 60 minutes.

But, seeing as it was actually ten years ago now (friggin’ unbelievable), I reflected upon what else has changed since then. It’s true, I am no longer even remotely in shape – that’s one thing I think Young Roman will always have on me. But a lot can happen in 10 years. Warning, Memory Lane is up ahead.

I hooked the girl Young Roman nearly gave up on. And now she is my wife.

I completed high school, scooped up a BSME @ UC (despite Chemistry, Budweiser, Ghia, and Diff EQ’s best efforts) and somehow snuck into my current job.

I became a proud Hoonie, and then a member of the 2429. These guys are permanently woven into my life.

I parlayed a work assignment in the middle of a cornfield into a year-long Japan assignment, which I then parlayed into an assignment back where we belong – near the ‘Nati. I’m still not entirely sure how I pulled that off.

I have admittedly become a pretty big nerd about business & finance.

I can speak pretty bad Japanese, but it typically gets the job done.

I wrote an awful lot of pretty awful stuff for this site, and have pretty much abandoned it in the last year and change.

I have made pretty good friends who I expect to stay in touch with on at least three other continents (Europe, Australia, Asia) – can you say Couch Surfing?!

I very nearly started a business with a high school friend, only to back out at the last minute because I lost my job in SE Ohio (fortunately, after that, I got hired by my current employer). I still sort of regret not being able to do this.

I have bought a house and we’re fixing to trade it in for a “forever home”

I have been through three cars (Intrepid, Big New Yorker, Tow-rass), and drove a fourth one from the passenger’s seat in Japan. Expect number five around the end of June.

My mom got divorced and remarried.

Alli & I went through a heart-wrenching six months in late 2007, but I have become closer to Allison’s family as a result. I am also quite grateful to my employer for their support during that whole ordeal.

I have seen dozens of friends get married/have children/become actual adults. And it doesn’t make me sad for them. Whoa.

I have been (in no order):

To Philmont (in NM) for a two-week camping trek

To London, England for a week of legal, underaged debauchery

To Las Vegas for my 21st birthday AND New Year’s

To Maui for my honeymoon… along with family and friends

To the NAIAS in Detroit during the last really decent year (Feb 2008)

To Washington D.C. on a road trip with Joey-Z

To Toronto, Asheville, NC; and Starkville, MS on road trips with my lovely wife.

To the top of Mt. Fuji

To the Snow Festival in Sapporo, Japan

Alright, that’s enough. Did I miss anything big? I was really amazed at how much can happen in ten years. It may be a poor excuse for a post, but anything to break the inertia.

Hope everyone is doing well back home. Enjoy your damned BBQs and cheap beer while I continue to eat scraps of beef, rice and whole-fish-on-sticks… and drink 600-800 yen (100yen=about $1USD) beer.

Hope to see you all again in late June/early July!

You can find me in The Pub…

“You’re all lemmings. And I’m the only one who has the balls to say, ‘Fuck off, sweater vests!’”

- The J-Cass, making his Half & Half’s become Full & Full’s at Rookwood.

I counted thirteen, by the way.

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?videoId=3083220&categoryId=2564308&n8pe6c=2&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab1pos1

I had an entire post idea lined out, then I saw this.

“You’re asking if they’ve ever had an episode of Sesame Street where the Count kills somebody and uses their blood for sustenance?” (Family Guy)

Feel free to count along at home.

Unbelievable!

Inspired Manuscripts

Setting: Busy weekend, typical shopping mall kiosk, complete with bubble-gum-snapping teenage female as our cashier

Inspiration: “Positions available. Apply within.”

The camera is zoomed in tight on a shiny silver watch. It pulls back to reveal our hero, a tall, skinny, average American with big ears. And a Cincinnati Reds hat. He reaches for the watch. But it is no ordinary watch! A grinding noise accompanies a click, and a side panel of the kiosk slides open. Momentarily stunned, our hero is roughly dragged inside, a dark cloth bag thrust over his head, and he is led down, down, down…

Blackness. That is all there is.

The bag is ripped away, and our world is plunged into painfully bright, surgical light. A spotlight in the hero’s eyes, in fact. Our hero is sitting, Inquisition-style, in front of a very small desk full of mysterious, smoking, shadowy folks. The room is excruiciatingly tiny. It is, after all, inside a goddamn mall kiosk.

ROMAN

“You can’t scare me with this Gestapo crap! I know my rights! I want my phone call!”

SHADOWY TYPE #1

“What good is a phone call if you are unable to… speak?”

SHADOWY TYPE #2

“Oh Jesus, Frank, do you always have to use that line?”

FRANK

“Dude… I had you for a second, didn’t I?”

SHADOWY TYPE #2

“Dude, just shut up and sign him on. It’s that time of year.”

FRANK

“Not so fast, Number One… [to ROMAN] PEON! Do you know anything about sales?”

ROMAN (now confused)

“Um… no. I’m a damn auto engineer.

FRANK

SILENCE, GROUNDLING! You will read this watch literature! And sell our watches!

ROMAN

“But I like my job. What possible reason could I have to sell watches?

FRANK

Listen to me, SLAVE. You have two options here. You can take the easy way out and return to your mindless consumerism; chasing gifts and bargains here and there… Or you can take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes… 

*   *   *

Setting: Seedy movie theatre. Shoes will surely stick to the floor, worn sticky by an unfathomable amount of jujubees. You hope.

Inspiration: “Harlotte’s Web”

With a click and a whir, the film reel spins into action. No, the film isn’t Fisting Firemen 9… it’s Harlotte’s Web.

*   *   *

Alright, in good conscience and/or taste, I’ve got to cut it off right there. Any readers who made it this far are probably really confused anyway. These two signs (The two aforementioned “Inspirations”) caused me a precious fit of joy and laughter during a rather irritable shopping trip. And I thought I would share some of the thoughts that followed them. And Frank was inspired by an asshole manager of the same name I encountered during my travels that day. He thought he was so smooth, but treated his employees like crap.

And yes, admittedly, even I was a little weirded out by the spider porn.